Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
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I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
sin harder.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.