Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
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I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
[eulogy]
line?
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.