I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
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I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?