Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
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Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both