I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
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We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!