I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
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Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.