My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
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Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup