*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
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Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Just why bro?!
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!