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I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.