[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
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brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
dream blunt rotation
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.