[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
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Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.