Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
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Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
I’m putting together a team
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.