My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
You Might Also Like
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits