Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
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*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
subtitles are so good nowadays
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Body by sandwich.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.