Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
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[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.