I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
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Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
apparently this year was written by stephen king
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.