Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
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concern
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm