How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
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I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Sharon, call the vet