[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
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THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥