It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
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SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
men are simple creatures
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Never forget.