Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
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absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
buying dead houseplants to save time
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Sticker placement is key.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes