ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
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Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy