My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
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ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.