I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
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Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!