[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
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I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
3% human
97% stress
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Yes
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it