Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
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no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.