My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
You Might Also Like
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor