Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
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Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.