if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
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You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago