My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
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Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.