Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
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Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Does this dress make me look cat?
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost