this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
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The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
getting groceries
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage