When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
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Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?