My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
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Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
buys donuts instead