I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
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The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
What about second breakfast?
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
After 35, your body ages in dog years
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
“Why you watching this shit?”
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*