I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
You Might Also Like
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*