Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
You Might Also Like
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Cucumbers Anonymous
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired