“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
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Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.