Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
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I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.