Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
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A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.