Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
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Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems