*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
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Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning