Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
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What a website
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.