My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
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Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Growing up was a huge mistake
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.