When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
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I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Lucky for them, they’re cute
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.