My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
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ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Straight people are cancelled
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.