What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
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N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
huge if true: the moon
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog