Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
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“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Kids: Stay in school.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck