cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
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Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty