You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
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Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.